I’m interested in a taxonomic overview or a diagram similar to Groening’s “Nine Types of Bosses”.
Legal Gun Owner Types
The Tacticool (ooda orbus fictus)
Recognizable by his 5.11 tactical pants and shirt, and his IDPA “shoot me first” vest. Peppers his vocabulary with terms from Tacti-tard Trainer Buzzword Bingo. His warrior mindset is completely wrapped up in his OODA loop. From his Oakley shades to his desert boots, this sheepdog is a genuine tier-one operator. A cynic might wonder if he might not move faster if he were to shed about fifty pounds. See also Mall Ninja. Most recognizable behavior pattern at the range is a magazine dump at a 25-yard target. Satisfied with 30% of rounds hitting target.
Statistics (Approximate)
Murders committed: 0
Robberies committed: 0
Assaults committed: 0
The Real Tactical (ooda orbus veritus)
What the Tacticool wishes he were. Has a part-time job as a weapons instructor for Special Forces. Nobody knows what he actually does for a living. Disappears for weeks at a time. Close reading of Foreignpolicy.com may reveal that a third-world government has fallen during that time.
Statistics (Approximate)
Murders committed: 0 (at least none that were unsanctioned)
Robberies committed: 0
Assaults committed: 0
The Fudd (vewwyus quietus)
Another gun owner type recognizable by clothing and branding on the pickup. Color stages alternate between tan, Realtree®, and blaze orange. May be found in a duck blind holding a Browning Auto-5 grumbling about “assault weapons” and suggesting they be banned. Variations may appear on trap, skeet or sporting clays fields, typically changing chokes on a shotgun with the action closed. The Fudd’s numbers have been in decline in recent years since a prime example of the species Jim Zumbo was discovered with an advanced case of foot-in-mouth disease. Other factors in the declining numbers include the AR-15 dominating the firing line at Camp Perry where the Gravel-Bellied variety of the Fudd (see also v.q. sabulum) discovered that gun laws also affected his target rifle.
by Chris Knox
